i found a dude playing guitar on the portapotty
Some guy just watched me feed 30 dimes and 3 quarters for bread and cheese at the self checkout at walmart. I no longer comprehend shame...
His drunken night ended with a "car accident" which really meant he was stuck in a toy car and pushed down the steps.
I've never seen anyone write a check for a bar tab before
I thought I was invisible, then some guy flashed his high beams at me and I realized my lights weren't on...not invisible.
this probably sounds so sketchy, but hes going to jail in a month so he needs a place to crash for now. Hes sick though, and hes paying half our rent
I think I'm a wingman for every guy who bangs a girl I scarred in highschool.
My roommate is downstairs drunk, smoking, and listening to a self help DVD. Please dear God don't let this be the Ghost of Christmas Future.
Glad I can drunkenly remember to not get tomatoes on my Mexican pizza but can't tell a guy to keep his hands off my ass
Lol if he questions who I am I'm gonna send him a pic of his boxers
Yeah i like want to be friends with him. And if we have sex in the physics library well thats fine with me
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
Drunk is not a location!
You had a good week dude, you bought a motorcycle and a beer bong with ur parents money, missed 2 classes, and ran from security twice, good first 2 days to college
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
Randomize
