My grandmass entire neighborhood is over for dessert and i'm high as fuck...about to make a couple of freshman boys real uncomfortable
Freshman in high school? Just your type
Totally saw a hot amputee. I think this is called character growth.
Are you with Adam and his vodka?
Yeswdsssss I masde his pickle gi away ans he go anbnoued
I hope God doesn't listen to everybody on a Saturday night.
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
I'm at Home Depot to get supplies to fix the wall we cracked by fucking too hard against the bookshelf.
You can't buy drugs with a ziplock bag full of quarters, chuck-e-cheese coins, and a starbucks giftcard.
watch me
Well I blew a guy I barely know in full view of a homeless camp. That's pretty tame for me.
And I might get them triple pierced after that
Damn, I didn't realize you'd declared war on airport metal detectors
I am in a hotel room with 10 people. John is in bed eating an industrial sized pan of mashed potatoes. I think a non insignificant number of people saw my nipples.
Didn't want you to think it had been open season on my vagina since we broke up.
I'm closer to stabbing a fork in my neck than finishing this resume.
Ahaah! I just stole batteries from work for my vibrator. I am that person.
If you think that liquor is the way to shower sex then you're right.
New one isn't as good asmy ex. She won't put her tongue up my butt
Peter this is your "ex"
I stand by what i said
Randomize
