What do you think that old couple was thinking when they saw me puking in the QT parking lot at ten in the morning?
I just put anything in between my legs and hope for the best.
It was an igloo shaped doghouse, I was obligated to hotbox it
I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
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Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
my roomates packed me a lunch. it had bread, cheesewiz, a can of refried beans and a condom with a note that said "good luck on your first day". im not even gonna pretend to be mad.
Just when I think I'm the one with the problem, I get home for the holidays and the family shows me what alcoholism is really about
I mean nobody wants to admit they ate 9 cans of ravioli but i did and i am not ashamed of myself
I found him passed out against a dryer in the girls washroom, in front of an old woman was trying to figure out how to dry her hands.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I moved out... There's nothing left but his childhood trophies...
You should make him a new one, you know like "you suck at relationships but thanks for trying participation award"
Do you have any puffy paint? I want to put "fiesta muthafuckas" on my sombrero but its too much to bedazzle.
I have to shave my legs first. I'm afraid tiny woodland creatures will fly out if he tries touches them.
This chick just walked by and pet my beard. Don't know, never talked to her. She just walked by and pet my beard.
Marry her
Dude, he paid us overtime to smoke weed out of a bong at his house
So, I think my BF has slept with several of our sorority sisters
Well, now that you know, yes he has. We didn’t say anything because you seemed so happy. He’s a great guy and none of us have any hard feelings, but yeah, we’re all very familiar with his penis and it’s talents
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