I fucked **** last night, don't tell mike
this is mike. we're done.
saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
hiding in a bush to avoid a seven dollar cab ride. cabby got out a flashlight and looked for us for like an hour. help.
I have to take his virginity. It's what God put me on earth for. It's my life mission.
29 Of The Most Hilarious And Embarrassing Walks Of Shame Ever
Someones grandma was rubbing my back. I'm way too high for this.
Nope, I'm sticking to passive aggressive punishments. Like mismatching his socks and cumming on his leather couch. OCD is so wonderful.
The intern claims someone glued plastic eyeballs to his penis last night. He going to show everyone in the conference room at 3pm. There is a $5 cover charge.
all i remember of last night is that i was drinking jameson and then NOTHING i do remember walking a dog though\nwhich is sooo fucking weird
OH MY GOD ITS COMING BACK I PUT THE DOG IN THE HOTTUB TOO
So we get back to the hotel room and Tom strips off his clothes... His first sexual act as my fiance? Helicopter dick. I gave him a high five.
These 23 Dudes Get Giddy From Dem Titties
All I could think when I saw it was, "All right, Vagina, only one of us is getting out of this alive."
that's right. bitches got laser pointers. let's fuck shit up
Did you know there is a guy on the porch, wrapped in your snuggie, singing no woman no cry and drinking wine coolers?
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
The only thing I had in my freezer before today was patron and cheese.
We were making out and truffle butter was playing in the background. I stopped mid make out session and said, "I'm really sorry but I have to rap Nicki's part."