dude chill. it wont be anything like your seventh grade birthday party.
bitch asked me if i cared if she kept her snuggie on while we had sex
They just gave us root beer floats. I guess I won't quit my job today.
My #1 goal this summer is to get drunk at olive garden
I just told you I can't. My fingers are melting. I have discovered the high.
If i ever start ordering tequila again please tackle me to the ground and steal my wallet
I literally have a bandage on my dick that's how bad she is at handjobs
Apparently when your theatre teacher asks who the best actor of our time is, Nicolas Cage is not the right answer.
I no longer believe that the road to self esteem is through his penis.
You were doing bacon vodka shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce. You're officially fucking disgusting. I love you.
So here's a brief summary of my weekend: last night I drank four glasses of Death Punch, grabbed the toaster, said "This is mine", put it in my pants and walked out the front door.
I got a snap of someone jumping off a light pole. Was that you? Please confirm or deny. #onWisconsin
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
Can now check off "Start bar fight with my dad." on my bucket list.
I could see the visible disappointment when she saw my penis
Randomize
