Apparently I called 911 everytime Sean Kingston told me to
Based on how hungover I feel today, it makes more sense that the bouncer didn't let me in to that bar.
and thats when we got a drunken mammogram in the middle of cvs pharmacy
It's a bathroom floor kind of morning.
she never specifically said NOT to fuck her boyfriend so technically we can still be best friends
somehow this turned into a costume party you have to get here now with my banana suit or I'm wearing my birthday suit
Whatever, consider condoms an eighteen year investment.
I could probably save all of the money I would have spent on condoms and put a kid through college.
Can you bring home bongs? Like all the bongs. I need bongs
What is it with the dog running away when we have epic hangovers
just reached the point where my breast implants paid from themselves in free drinks.
I need to just embrace dildos and cats and call it a life.
You sluts I'm so proud of you. You're both wearing underwear.
meow
use your words like a big girl
i ran over your cat.
Why do I feel so obligated to masterbate just because I’m single and it’s valentines Day...
The air tonight was full of shame when we saw each other.
Well if u wouldn't have had sex on the front porch last night I think that could have been avoided.
Randomize
