Joe is yelling at the trees again.
Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
I have a deodorant stick dedicated to my balls.
you used progresso chicken soup as a mixer last night
These Are The 21 Strangest Sexual Fantasy Confessions
Do 'mystery' cracked ribs heal any quicker than regular ones?
the fire alarm went off. we werent sure whether to leave or turn the music up louder
Brought 2 entire pizzas with to the bar, everyone loves us
Watching elf, eating a tub of ice cream, and coming to terms with the fact that I haven't had sex in 5 months. Happy fucking holidays.
Holy shit there is too much Taco Bell here to talk to you
You Will Never Meet Anyone More Annoying Than These 23 People
Reasons I shouldn't drink... My twitter drafts keep getting more and more emotional.
He asked if I was going to squirt out my bday candles. I'm glad the perversion doesn't stop for special occasions.
I know you saw me get knocked out after I stepped on that rake why did you leave me there
Well, I crapped my pants in front of her entire family, was laughed out of their house, and I had to walk home with shit stained pants. So, yeah, it went really well.
Hey, you know that marble art statue thing in your bedroom? Hypothetically what would happen if a penis got stuck in it?
Leaves on the ground. Coffee in one hand and your man in my other. Lovely fall morning.