I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
i was actually impressed that she managed to throw up underwater while scuba diving
You took a bag of frozen peas to bed wiith you "to help with the inflamation".
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
when i tried to put the condom on he started screaming about how he didn't want his groceries bagged
he texted me at 3am asking for "one of my famous blowjobs"
Someone woke me up and gave me a sprite and some pills. I put them in my belly button. Trust no one.
Well then sir I'll probably see you tomorrow after my class and at 3 with your clothes off. Sounds like a solid way to start the weekend to me
I totally forgot about finals week. im the worst adderall salesman ever.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I heard drunk is the new sober. I heard me say that. To a cop. Can you come get me??
I just want to sit my fat ass down at McDonald's and never leave
My cat just smacked my blunt from my hand and then put her head in my hand. I don't know how to feel
So you think Jesus would be proud of me for walking of shame into my apartment 10 minutes before I told my parents I'd be over for Easter?
I love how fuckboys immediately become cultured when I tell them I’m an artist.
I haven't listened to news as I've been having lesbian sex all night. Anything new?
Randomize