Went home with a guy 2 " his house". Woke up this morn on couch to parents cooking breakfast, piss all over my back and he is no where to be found. That fuckr pissed on me and bounced. His parents are gonna think some drunk bitch pissed their couch.
Sharpest. Poop. Ever.
I drank 13 shots. Which is unlucky. Which is why i threw up.
you threw up because you drank 13 SHOTS
Today I learned you can't titshake with a corset on.
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So the girl in front of me was buying champagne too .. I wanted to be like "so are you celebrating clean test results too?"
She said she didn't want me watching her give me a bj, so she proceeded to make a "blowjob igloo" out of blankets...
Last night she showed me how to clean my bowl and now she's drunk making peanut butter filled cookies. Best. Roommate. Ever.
Emergency! LinkedIn connected me to a hotornot hookup from sophomore year... slutty phase sphere has officially invaded grown up professional sphere. My illusions of interweb sexual anonymity have been exploded.
Romantic bubble bath turned into splash war. We can't be adults about anything.
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isn't that the guy who always buys you drinks?
yeah. i love a man who still buys me drinks after the bar cuts me off.
next time on intervention
Moments after comforting her about her boyfriend issues I found myself in the other room showing him my tits.
Steaks?
It's Ash Wednesday.
If you really think that not eating meat on a weeknight is going to keep you out of hell, fine. Can I use that chimichurri you made?
no strings attached, like you could fuck him and then throw him off a building right after
I was telling my friend about your penis and the only word I could think of was voluptuous. You have a voluptuous dick.
I swear I get as excited about the sound of a condom wrapper as my cat gets when she's getting a can of food.
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