2 nights ago she wants to see other people, tonight she wants to have a threesome. The GOOD kind of threesome. So... win?
i just met a girl who was sent to the hospital for using her phone as a vibrator and got electrocuted. 4 weeks later she got sent back for shoving a hot dog up there. welcome to the teenage american society
ok, I understand that your bathroom door is broken, but at least close the blinds next time you take a shit. The entire parking garage just watched you.
You took a fire extinguisher off the wall in the hallway to play Ghostbusters.
We made out for three hours. Then she said she didn't sleep with redheads and left the party. So yes, I'm still drinking.
I cant do that to my vagina yet. its my prize posession.
I accidentally got a lemon stuck in your bong. I was trying to make it taste good. Sorry
I come back upstairs and she's leaning over sink full of vomit saying 'oh my god it's the chili'
I'm not sure if I should be proud of you for having morals or disappointed in you for letting your sex life get this sad.
Come now. I'm bloody but I'll give you the best fuck of your life.
If I get laid tonight it will 1.) Prove that the sex gods do in fact exist, and 2.) Show that I am one motherfucking badass bitch.
I agree with that homeless guy though, you do need a haircut
I'm not drinking for the rest of the week. I need discipline, celery, dick, and a bible.
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
Randomize
