I just accidently deleted 60 gigs of porn from my external hard drive. Thats over 300 pornos! I think im gonna cry.
Im surprised that you are even able to text me right now.
If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
It was my birthday today and i decided that i am not checking my notifications on facebook so ill feel popular
Wrong number and your a loser
hahaha our party bus just died on the freeway and we're drinking in the center divider. i'm on the roof. i win
I've already come up with two plans that will probably end with me getting kicked out of here. You guys should come faster.
Why do you keep getting laid in MY dreams
booty call hours are between 1:30-3:00 AM thurs-sat with the exception of major drinking holidays and election days. please try again
She just came to my house, with puke in her hair, to wake up my dad and scream "happy fathers day you DILF!" at the top of her lungs
I figured it out. If I have at least 4 shots of vodka before I start my day, EVERY day will be a good day.
We got caught having sex in the bathroom by my professor. In accordance with tradition, we still brofisted. I think my grade went up considerably.
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
So you're not opposed to us ever having sex again? Because it just seems like such a waste to let a penis like yours go.
I need to stop waking up with no pants on.
what happened this time
I dont know everyone was gone and there was a bird in the room
My boss spotted an injured PIGEON outside the front door this morning (at 3:30am) and requested that I catch it and take it to the vet. Catch it with what! Take it where!These requests have gone too far...
We walked into the RA's room and he said "is that alcohol" and I screamed "IT'S WATER" and ran out and Vanessa slammed the door and started making out with him.
Randomize
