if she mentions anything about chili and my phone, just go with it
He was like a foghorn with a huge penis.
Aaaand my life has been reduced to whether I can reach to flush my puke down the toilet using my foot. The answer is yes.
I'm amazed your boyfriend is still with you, how do you manage to pee on him while he is holding you in his lap?
She was literally passed out in a cubicle with a flask in her hand. I LOVE finals week!
He makes me want to shower. It must be love.
You know it is an interesting night when the 911 operator calls you
i was trying to figure out what "tidy fucking" was when i realized he meant "titty fucking" and i need to start banging smarter people....
Is the mullet a good, great, or horrible idea before we leave for college
she is like a cock bee. instead of going from flower to flower she goes from cock to cock
just woke up on my patio with a mouse eating cheetos off mys chest. youre all assholes.
Just once, I'd like to make it to my first wedding anniversary for a change.
Dude, fuck these noisy kids, fuck all this light, and fuck you for getting to sleep while I have to be productive and hungover.
but like who hasn’t gotten fingered at the state fair?
Just remember I’m your roommate with extremely questionable morals
Exactly, what could possibly go wrong
Randomize
