You broke her grandpas urn and ran your hand through his ashes claiming it was pixie dust. I think thats why shes mad at you..
why is it whenever you puke in the park there are always little kids on the swings?
if the best thing you can say about him is "he probably wont kill me" you may want to rethink hanging out with him
in my drunkeness I still was able to plan for the morning. I duck taped my keys, a water bottle full of mimosa and my cell phone to the front door.
I shouldn't trust a guy I just met with the pull out method. That's a big responsibility.
Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.
listen. he fixes things. buys me drinks and sticks his penis in my vagina. age means nothing at this low point in my life.
Some old chick is rubbing my thigh and saying she needs some Memorial Day dick. Her teeth are kind of gross but I'm going for it.
I am never taking a razor down there again. He'll have to love me as I am.
him and the cab driver we buy e from got into a fist fight, about which show is better, futurama or family guy.
the only thing I remember was some guy took out his fake eye to use it for beer pong
First poop in my apartment for the summer, officially settled in. :)
Fuck my life... Im so horny Im gonna take it out on this sandwich
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
I miss painting strippers for Christmas. Holidays not the same without glitter and body paint
I'll be your substitute stripper tonight.
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