she offered me iced tea and went to go change.then her dad came in the door.i thought i was on how to catch a predator.
At best buy, little boy just crawled into my stall while i was taking a shit
So he just rolled over in his sleep and said "that's a punctuation mark..."
i make up for being a shitty girlfriend by being amazing in bed.
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She had a boyfriend but was all over this drunk guy that she just met..she said she loved him and then puked all over him.
you were watching the nanny crying, saying I wish I was that thin eating twinkies. THAT DRUNK.
The last thing I remember is him grabbing my ass and telling me he knew where the jello shots were, so I followed him.
I sang again at the bar lastnight I don't think alanis morrset knew when she wrote you outta know that the drunk version was going to be go fuck yourself Josh and Chelsea. I love $2 wells.
My goal for tonight is to swipe my debit card through those weird rolls on the back of a big bald guy's head.
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PUB CRAWL IS THE WEEK I COME BACK FROM NOLA OMG OMG OMG. Has it been a year already since I tried to make out with you and you let a bar tender take a shot out of your cleavage? Time flies.
Dude hobos go hard. I learned a lot last night.
My hungover walk of shame was interrupted by a stranger on a balcony throwing me a beer to shotgun... at 10 a.m....
I don't intentionally mean to ruin relationships for personal gain but. Yeah nah I totally do.
Conversations really do change when your social worker had your dick in her mouth the other night.
This chick walked up to me in the bar and started making out with me, then grabbed my drink while I wasn't looking and walked off.
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