The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
goodnight i made you a song goodbye
90% of the problems in your life are directly related to your vagina
i bet even starving children in Africa take the crust off their poptarts
do you know anything about the $5 bill with my name stapled to it in my purse??
I just decorated my birth control case with Lisa Frank stickers. If that doesn't scream 'I'm not ready for babies' I don't know what does.
How do you say "I'm sorry I beat you up while cumming" in German?
the mexican frat downstairs started singing this mariachi song, then out of nowhere some dude busts out a trumpet and plays along. is this even real?
Casually on the bus at 830 in the morning with a box of cheezits and a bottle of fireball sticking out of my purse....
I was walking out the front door and heard his roomate say "It looks like you need a chiropractor." I think my work here is done.
Currently at a bar observing the mating patterns of drunken people in their 60s. This is hilariously terrifying. Hope he has Viagra.
This wouldn't be the first time my boss has seen me topless
Listen, if I miss the flight to Vegas because she's still rimming my ass, it will have been worth it.
I can’t believe you’re letting her use the Mercedes
It seemed like a better idea while she was giving me a hand job. It’s a good thing we weren’t having sex. Who knows what I would agree to during sex
I fucked a 6 foot tall guy who has abs showing without even flexing... I am a wizard and I have magical powers.
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