he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
Your the only friend that would realize I'm gonna get drunk and send coke to me at a bar before I made drunken phone calls for it. You sir complete me.....
i just opened a bottle of wine with my dads power tools
Changed it back. Somehow I didn't think my profile pic should be me shirtless on ecstasy, ya know?
Why is there bacon braided in my hair
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
official rule: if your drunk, it doesn't count
then nothing in my life counts
If we can't get laid at a bar crawl, we should just quit life.
The sad part is I didn't even want to get laid. I just wanted the emotional connection, but my vagina was screaming "TOUCH ME. TOUCH ME RIGHT NOW BECAUSE MY DADDY ISSUES ARE MUCH DEEPER THAN MY EMOTIONAL NEEDS!" Vodka has a way of getting me out of my emotions and gets me fucked every time.
we're spending all day in bed drinking spiked eggnog and fucking
I even put my vibrators back in the bedroom instead of the coffee table. If that's not growing up then I don't know what is.
Masterbating to Tolstoy. You?
Its a good night when you make $200 and didn't have to see any balls
It makes my nipple hurt just thinking about it.
Hey. I hope you have enough room in your car for me and a Honda civic front bumper.
Randomize
