i fell asleep on him beating off on webcam last night, i'm such a great boyfriend.
I can actually hear my brain cells scream as they die when she speaks.
I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.
i prefer some hard alcohol, but wine makes me feel less of a progressive alcoholic
it's kind of slutty but what the hell, so are we
Easy for you to say! His first impression of you isn't the drunk girl in a turtle costume who got hit by a car!
there was so much ham clogging the tub drain.. he said it was ok he has a cleaning lady
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
My vagina supports interfraternal relations
Have you resumed life with the rest of the world yet or are you still huddled in the fetal position while wearing compression gear?
He came in 20 minutes late for his final wearing plastic bags on his feet, and a tablecloth cape. Explain.
I want to see boobs tonight. Like, real ones. Your ones.
Today's goal is to get out of bed, before I take a shit. This might be hard
Pass or fail tho
Well I got black out drunk before the rehearsal dinner and berated my family with insults. But other then that it was a good time