Condoms? Check. Glitter? Check. Fuck me pumps? Double check. Dignity? No where to be found. I'm about to homewreck the shit out of that dumb bitch.
I've been meaning to talk to you about your lack of self-respect these days and the toll it's taking on your vagina.
I wish they made sweatshirts for legs
you mean pants?
why did they invent bidet's? your butt gets clean when your poop falls in the toilet and splashes up anyway...
My professor just suggested making the state of the union more interesting by turning it into a drinking game. Brilliant!!
tip of the day : never have sex with a full bladder. it WILL lead to complications and a very unhappy partner.
Last I saw him was around 10 this morning. He was passed out on the porch with his head under the barbeque cover and there were cups of orange juice around him as well as loose tobacco spread everywhere. Good luck getting a hold of him.
I drink way too much to have a type. Last weekend I picked up a guy who calls me "baby girl"
So a list of things I should stay away from bringing up at dinner with your fiance tonight?
1) you and I went to a strip club 2) i saw you topless at said strip club 3) i cried when we watched the Real World
He's cheating on her.
Are you sure it wasn't her?
I have my glasses on, and as long as she didn't change her face in the past two months; its her.
Exactly. Motivated vaginas are the best kind of vagina
What kind of gift says "I'm sorry you accidentally stuck your hands in my puke (even though you should know better by now)"?
Sorry about the flaming shit on your door
I never thought I'd be in my late 20s and send that text
that's where you went wrong. never assume I'm adult enough to do something on my own.
I just tinder matched with a blue angels pilot. I need to make out with him. For America.
He was feeling me up but acting like he was asleep. Like WTF does that mean??