someone threw a dead crab at me
He can't get past my hymen. At least that's what he said it feels like.
In Canada she would be a 10 but here in America she's only a 7
how do i say "thank you for the blowjob, but never talk to me again" without crushing her?
So he might be the smartest man alive. He had the stripper pick him up taco bell on the way to the room for an extra 50 bucks.
I wish the sun would stop judging me for being drunk while it's still shining.
The problem with that is that my car has been stolen
Unfortunately, the Bilbo Baggins adventure side of me that likes to go on adventures appears to be losing to the side of me that likes to smoke weed in the bathtub and watch Workaholics.
Well it's like a wise man once told me: "If you're going to shave your balls, don't do it hungover."
That's like doing a cinnamon challenge in my vag - but more painful.
She drunkenly dropped her ranch for her pizza. She tried to clean it up with her hands off the street then realized it didn't work and started licking her fingers.
Can't tell if waking up covered in easy mac is the sign of an amazing or terrible night
That's like a fucking falcon or some shit. I don't know birds but I know that is not a bird you fuck with.
2017 is gonna be explosive... Already watching fireworks out the window while shit my brains out. Happy Ew Year
Hold on I'll be right there, I can't find my arm.
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