I got a chicken sandwich and a frosty out of her. Better then having sex
Farmville is her only friend.
Dudeeeee, i ordered strippers for my party.
I ordered a moonbounce.
Fuck, you win.
So even though we broke up apparently according to my voice mail you still like me, with smurfs while riding on a boat.
Absolutely. Last time I signed up for a softball league I had sex with my high school economics teacher.
i'm about to say screw it and get drunk in the hotel by myself
It's 2 pm, at least sit by the pool...
Goats are brash and offensive and cocky animals
Are you high and at a petting zoo again?
You convinced her to break up with her boyfriend, made out with her all night, got her to buy us all shots then went home with a different girl...
That explains the "i hate you" text. But the facebook deletion is a bit harsh
I get off at the next exit which doesn't have a shoulder, a guy is riding my ass so I cant stop. I think I got as much puke on his car as on mine.
We got naked and peed in the garden. Something about bonding with our new house
I'm all set for mothers day, I let her beat me in beer pong.
My little brother came home while I was sitting there icing my vagina with a bag of peas. Asshole looks at me, high fives Ryan, then leaves.
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
I'm reading the Hobbit in my blanket fort alone with a bottle of wine... all I need is dungeons and dragons to complete this superfecta of awesome
Nah, just stick him in a closet with some cheetos, a blunt and soda. The darkness will calm him down until Mallory can be located.
Randomize
