he's the Salvador Dali of pubic shaving
i'm drinking out of my 'black like my president' mug
I'm pregaming with America's Best Dance Crew.
Do a shot everytime Lil' Mama mispronounces a word.
he just found out the funeral is this morning so i'm wearing last night's clothes and look like a total slut.
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I was in a threesome last night that turned into a violent domestic dispute with damage to a hotel. Wish you were there!
does anyone know how to get red sharpie out of a white cat?
Found my little brother jerking off with a condom. he said he was "practicing"
OMG its one we used last night
just got invited to smoke a bowl by a guy who has a prostetic leg and has been on the jerry springer show multiple times. I love my life right now
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
"Every minute you spend hanging out with David is a minute you could spend meeting someone new, who isn't a huge douche" - Buddha
Her only article of clothing is an American Flag
Last time we had an ultimatum like that, things went very far south. I'm down, but it's your turn to wake up in a hospital.
To be honest I've become too lazy for the work involved in getting laid.
You run marathons and you're too lazy for sex? Priorities, man.
Touche.
I will not go because I am a man of my word and of my penis.
It's his. I know, I'm pregnant with a genetic douche bag but at least he'll be pretty!
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