News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
I just went to a subway where the girl didn't know how to make a blt. I will not miss public school texans.
Birthday was great, I got entirely too drunk and made really poor life decisions. It was everything a birthday should be.
I want to see you in more than a weed delivering capacity
Think worst case scenario and then dress sluttier
She literally just cut half her hair off because she's tired of asking someone to hold it back when shes drunk and puking.
If I die young bury me in satin. And make sure there's a taco bar at my funeral.
I was going through my mom's stuff to find her xanax, and I found her vibrators instead. Plural. That is like the opposite of what I wanted.
He stood me up.
I'm no sure if I should be pissed or proud that he finally grew a backbone.
I can't remember dinner
Hahaha "rub in the ketchup on your face, It'll just look like blush." some gay waiter said that to you, and you go "good idea!"
I don't know if your celebrity crush has ever asked you for nudes, but it's fucking awesome
Death by dick. An honorable death. Put a picture of his dick in the photo collage at my funeral.
He told me that he wants to fuck me only wearing a princess tiara...How could I possibly say no to that?
As a side note, can you ask the maintenance staff not to drag their balls on our stairwell handrails. Please.
he said he's going to burn things and pack his stuff. he may leave tomorrow supposedly but i doubt it
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