My favorite part of our friendship is your tits.
I have a client coming in and there's a note that says she wants her hair to like Elisabeth Hasselback's from the view
that's Oklahoma for you
Her sex list was a LOT longer than mine. She tried to justify it by saying '4 of those don't count because they were in the gang bang'.
my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
you were crying because peter frampton wasnt your dad
I wish i could sleep and get drunk at the same time...those are my 2 biggest needs right now
Not a single person will look me in the eye. Last night must've been bad.
I feel the need to point out that one of the items on my to-do list for the day is "don't throw up" I have no concept of normal
On my way to the DMV to get arrested
I picked up the bartender so he could open the bar early and ended up with him giving me a ride home when he closed. I like snowdays and everything, but they get really expensive. Also, I think I threw up on his front door. Not checking.
You were so drunk that you didn't even notice when I switched out your shot of jäger for a shot of maple syrup...before or after you drank it.
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
You poured a bottle of water into the salad bowl and said "bowls are a joke" and then poured it into your lap.
I think drunk me is trying to kill me.
I've been getting a lot of emails from patron lately for being a great customer. Is that awesome, or should I start thinking about seeking help?
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