in the middle of sex he stopped to tell me that he loved me... then slapped my ass and told me "back to business"... im gonna marry him
'fingered' and 'feelings' NEVER belong in the same sentence.
1. No more tequila 2. Why do you let me say slutty things? 3. I woke up and our apartment was covered in cake? 4. Love you
The boys in front of me put beer, red plastic cups, ping pong balls, lighterfluid, and twelve packs of pantyhose on the conveyor belt. Whatever drinking game they're playing, I want a part in.
so there is either a lot of blood or a lot of wine in the shower....
OK am i seriously the only one who thinks Cocaine Tuesdays is a bad idea?
I've also decided that the true test of whether or not you should marry a girl is if she will willingly blow you while you eat Oreos.
We 6 way cheers-ed with French fries last night, hammered, in the booth.
Paying for my weed with Mike's hard lemonade freezables. The perks of having a gay dealer
Someone younger than me just got married. Send help and vodka
He told me to leave him behind and bury him in his batman pajamas. So two lessons I guess, don't give Tom whiskey and don't touch his daddy issues with a twenty nine and a half foot pole.
i dont think sending her flowers will make her forgive you running over her foot.
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
Dude. $3 Jack n Cokes AND Cheesesticks... Find me tomorrow plz
Randomize
