Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
Wow anytime a scalper has i need tix written on the back of a franzia box thats a trusted seller
Do they take checks?
Did you really just ask me if you could write a check for a DRUG DEAL?
the problem with having sex for lunch when its 98 degrees outside is that I can't tell if its sweat or semen running down my leg as I walk back in the office
21 Distraught People Found Out They Had An STD
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
Just be happy that you're the pretty friend. Otherwise you would have had to walk home alone, like me.
She licked EVERYTHING then yelled at me in Spanish. I just kept saying SI.
What is the current exchange rate for ramen to jello shots?
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
21 Ladies Reveal The Sexiest Thing A Man Can Do In A Public Setting
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
I swear, the cow we tried to tip tried to eat me. and all I could think was, oh how the tables have turned. worst trip ever
I said he looked like a lumberjack and that's when he came. I guess he liked the beard compliment?
I showed him my machete and then we made out in the kitchen
well i maturbated this morning, which means the best part of my day has already happened.
What's the best way to tell a guy he can call me when his impending divorce is finalized?