wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
Hey its bob the builder. Where did you go?
I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
I love having a boyfriend. I just ate pancakes with regular syrup and chocolate syrup, I havent shaved my legs in a week, and Im still going to get laid tonight.
29 “I’m Getting Old” Moments
She had to leave early so she could get ready for her high school's homecoming. I hope her date likes sloppy seconds.
Selling Girl Scout Cookies outside bars for higher than retail value has got to be the most profitable idea. Ever.
How drunk are u on a scale of one to couldn't get it up if u had a gun at ur head?
It's one of those days where you order the free Papa John's pizza so the delivery guy can bring you Coke to go with your rum. The tip was more than the order.
It's like the bermuda triangle of cat puke
19 Worst Song Lyrics of All Time
I'm not sure what your ex was trying to say to me I was too busy chanting your name in his face
You walked in wearing nothing but a beekeeper mask
you kept saying how you wanted to mainline bacardi right into your bloodstream. medical school is doing wonderful things to your brain
currently working on a look that screams, "I'm dead inside, but still trying to enjoy the ride"
It's volleyball. Just do it. You want to look sporty. Save sexy librarian for another day.
Hey so I got my period
Thank god I wasn't ready to deal with sober you for 9 months