youre lurking in front of me
I bruised his dick. I bruised his dick WITH MY MOUTH!! I've never felt more accomplished.
the general consensus of people in the room is that i should have another bottle of wine.
"people in the room" being me.
So I think I might just embrace the awkwardness and say he fingerblasted her cause thats the greatest word in existence
They knew I had a party because the refrigerator settings were different, but they don't notice that we installed a new toilet seat so it's okay.
Given he decided my interview was a date, showed up drunk and insisted on carrying me everywhere, we weren't off to a good start.
YOU ARE SO GOD DAMN LOUD AND YOU'RE SHAKING THE GOD DAMN HOUSE. FUCKING STOP.
I might have pissed in the corner of someone's shed. They have nice lawn mower.
he has the ass of a greek god and he made me breakfast
Please send pictures of any nice new years ladies you run across in town, as I've forgotten what women look like.
I'm trimming my pubes right now and the battery was wearing down. So I chose to only trim one side. I cut the right side down and now I look like pubic two-face. Right all trim and near and left like a caveman.
SShout out to Barney the Dinosaur for teaching me how to sing the ABCs backward. I just scored a free pitcher.
So apparently dinosaur erotica does, in fact, exist.
A million fucking miles away, and the sun still manages to fuck my hungover mornings up.
Let's go buy marshmallows and play chubby bunny until we feel alive again