can you wear a superman outfit if we ever have sex?
Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
I don't know how to say this, but I think you're a fucking bitch and the sooner you die I'll be happier.
Sorry- wrong number! :)
she looks like stephen colbert with that blond wig he was wearing last night.
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I feel like i made up for not being able to drink on St Pattys Day, Mardi Gras, and last years Cinco De Mayo. That hungover.
she is like cheap alcohol. you can only get so buzzed before you get sick.
oh god...if the people that live above me killed themselves again then im gonna assume im the worst neighbor ever
There are pre-booty call contracts for a reason. I have no intention of calling you tomorrow.
Do you need my fax number or something?
I was so intoxicated last night I was giving out my real name and number ugh.
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Just had to masturbate in the bathroom because mom changed my room into a "knitting" room. I hate coming home.
Apparently getting drunk at a philanthropy event and tweeting about it is "frowned up"
I played "in the air tonight" on a drum set made of titties, and I'm not even exaggerating
It's accurate though. I am legitimately passionate about pickles. I crave pickles the same way I crave sex. It is a deep rooted animalistic need
I'm really ok with inappropriate relationships. They are my favorite of all the relationships. No need to be timid. For crying out loud.
Are you in a good mood because I stuffed you with enchiladas, ice cream, penis, and cuddles last night?
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