i just unintentionally masturbated to my own facebook picture
finally nailed that neighbor chick. hopefully i can get her wireless password now. free internet trumps moral standards any day
My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
My sink just fell out of the wall. I can't deal with this right now
I'm sorry. I know you didn't expect me to be arm deep in vagina when you walked through the door.
that girl from work that wants to bone me just said 'the last time i went this long without sex was in jail'. sup, red flag
I know what youre going to say and vodka only explains half of my sitation
We're all in the kiddie pool on the porch. Fully clothed. Watching porn. With my manager.
I literally was just rolling on the ground and said to her 'this is what dying looks like'
There are two guys's cum on my sheets. Be a man and be the third.
I think my teeth are moving, they feel like people.
What was my myspace song when I went away to rehab?
You can't do wine Netflix and blow jobs in the bed you've had since 5th grade with your parents downstairs
We are literally scheduling phone sex... if that's not long distance af then i don't know what is
Whenever I have a bad day I just look at the negetive pregnancy test I keep in my purse and remind myself things could be alot worse.
Randomize
