Facebook really needs to add a bikini picture profile tab for girls, it would really save me countless amounts of time!
i an so hammered right now. I'm about to pass out but i just found the lion king dvd and i'm so happy words don't even describe.
I'm gonna name my first kid mufasa regardless if It's a boy or girl
we seriously had to hang a plastic bag on his ears so he could throw up right into it.
all i wanted to do was something grown up. like go to applebees and drink.
I'd be a gr8 surrogate. I'm gonna love your fetus
dude I'm not 100% but I think your mom is sexting me.
You misunderstood me....i wasnt asking and it is not negotiable
You're making this sound more like a hostage situation than a booty call.
I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
I'm in a bed full of sand, and also just took my contacts out. Whatever happened yesterday was great, I think.
I take your giggles as a yes to operation McLaxitives?
Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him.
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
I swear she is the Mary Poppins of drugs
My neighbour just came round to ask why we posted a spatula through his door at 3am. What do I tell him??
Hey, sorry I choked you last night... I was just really excited to see you.
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