I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
he just texted me two pictures of his dick. i feel i should rethink whatever vibe im obviously giving out
so is it as big as he says?
he put a tube of toothpaste next to it as a reference. it looks legit
Woke up in a closet. I'm not drinking till summer.
God Help those hot young girls. It's going to be like Bambi in iraq. Except worse.
organizing the empties. That sober.
It's like split custody, only he's not a kid and they have sex with him.
not the best booty call
did she squirt?
only if tears count
She had me dip my balls in cake batter ice cream from cold stone and then tea bag her. Let's get weird just got a whole new meaning.
Obviously a higher power wants us to be sunday drunk together
You would think the bank would reward me for getting my account down to 3 cents without overdrafting it.
Only at Harvard can you walk in on a bunch of stoners and expect everyone to immediately stand up, shake your hand and introduce themselves like we're at a fucking job fair
My brother didnt wanna sleep with her because she was my friend. Did I miss the memo where we're not supposed to be fucking each others friends? Oh well too late.
Just walked into your room to get my clothes and he's still passed out in your bed. Remind me to high five you when you get home
Going back to the ever classy sneak out to the fridge and swig liquor from the bottle method. That it is legal for me to drink here makes the fact that I have to do this all the more depressing.
seriously i don't trust him. he fed me a hot dog out of a crock pot and gave me moonshine dashed jager bombs.
Randomize
