turn off your phone and go to bed
i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
What do they do with the elephants that die at the zoo
Cremation, why do you ask?
I think we have a bit of a problem
she just sneezed while going down on me. is it rude for me to ask her to do it again?
21 Horny People Confess Their Boldest Sexual Advances
you spent 5 minutes trying to open an empty PBR and kept saying "don't worry i'll get it i've been working out"
Do you how many people I've successfully loaded into a Mazda Miata? Six. Six people. How? Strategically.
I'm drinkin whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
Its ok we found him,,, He is in the bathroom trying to write his life story on a roll of toilet paper.
I'm in charge of his party but you're a paramedic, we're both needed.
29 Shocking Confessions That People Thought Were A Joke
They better not charge my debit card for what you peed on.
You tripped over nothing.. everyone stopped what they were doing and stared..you stood up and yelled "you win this time gravity"..then started chugging someone's drink
I can measure my amount of vomit in solo cups.
Yeah. I asked if there was a finger in my ass at some point or if I had a weird dream. So far he hasn't responded
We told you to act sober so to prepare yourself you started doing squats and stretching then you slapped yourself and walked in
I or someone else dumped a lot of glitter into my boobs last night.