ugh.. my birth control just came out of my nose. wtf?
If you made a robot out of pillows would he be nice? It's hard to imagine a mean pillow robot. And who came up with the idea of shaving their legs?
I'm covered in salsa and facewash. I think I'm doing something wrong over here.
I'm at verizon, the guy asked me why my phone is full of seeds. Deff. Not leaving my phone with you anymore.
Don't worry I drank 7 more beers & brought home a guy that bit me at the bar.
I'm in charge of his party but you're a paramedic, we're both needed.
SHE WON'T ROUND UP MY GRADE! I have a 79.8% I ONLY MISSED TWO CLASSES!!! ONE WHEN I GOT DRUGGED AND ONE WHEN MY CAR GOT BROKEN INTO!! I'm interculturally competent. I used to date a Italian/Cherokee Indian. I fucked a Palestinian. How much more pro-peace can you get?
Is there a non-awkward way to tell a girl I work with that she looks just like my favourite pornstar?
Because everytime she talks to you she goes in her room and plays Come Sail Away on repeat. Can't take this shit anymore Jake
Don't wake me up to tell me to cook for you because you don't like taco meat.
Well i would have gone to the bar but Satan decided to hold his rituals in my uterus.
So, what my linguistics project should really be called is "I happen to sleep/makeout with a lot of bilinguals and am now using them to help me graduate"
I pack a first-aid kit when I DD for you. What does that tell you about your partying? For what I see and do, paying my food and gas for the night is a goddamn BARGAIN.
Being an adult can't be all bad. I just took a vacation day solely to sit around and get stoned
I'm glad I date someone who likes the simple things. Sex, kittens, and McDonald's.
Randomize
