There really should be an "avoid ghetto" option on my GPS.
he only lasted 2 minutes. he said it was because i was so pretty. i'm not sure what to feel right now.
I just found 17 dollars of saltine crackers in my room. confused incredibly. suprised not at all.
He's dressed as a power ranger handing out cocaine
You're the only person I know who would be upset about making out with a girl you like. You're like a drunken Charlie Brown.
Sorry about flashing you in front of your mom.
No don't worry! What are obnoxious, alcoholic, slut roommates for if not for uplifting words and tales of my folly?!
I had a dream that my roommate walked in on me masturbating and I hissed "I'm not stopping this orgasm train for the likes of you" and just kept going
There is a severe lack of banging on that itinerary... I'd like a revision on my desk within the hour
took shots off of a myriad of fake boobs last night. It was glorious.
Hold on gotta plunge the sink
Is that a euphemism for sex? Either way, have a good time
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
Literally been in their house 5 minutes and I've projectile vomited all over the bathroom wall. The dog licked it up though so I think it's cool.
On cleanup... i've counted 94 solo cups so far.. oh, and i found a miniature top hat in the microwave
The gift for sixth anniversary is steel. He bought me handcuffs. Inee I married the right man!
Randomize
