Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
also, you're talking to the girl for whom "deformed baby arm" wasn't quite a dealbreaker.
flashcards smell like vodka and my textbook is in the toilet. ready for the final
Is it bad that now when i read ingredients in the food I eat i only read it as shrooms instead of mushrooms ?
good news. it is gonna rain tomorrow so now I don't have to pay to clean the puke off the side of your car.
i dont care if i had to wear a dress to fuck her, she was super hot and i stand by my decision
It's like the only way I know how to apologize is by giving a blow job.
It was smashing those cupcakes into my face that did it. Junk food and I don't mix.
Is it bad if one of my goals right now is to snort blow through a licorice?
Don't answer that. It is bad.
I want what they have, but in the meantime I have a whole bottle of rum to which I'm quite devoted
What's the place called?
I searched "county" on google, but....there's a lot of results
We were having sex and my nose just started pouring blood. He reached down to the floor, grabbed a sock and held it to my nose. He just kept pounding away like nothing was happening.
I accidentally sent a snap of my puss with the Republican filter... Totally killed his boner
I have to hand it to her. In my heyday I took home the 'biggest shitshow of the night' award 9 times out of 10. But I passed the torch on to her last night, and she went skipping merrily far and away with it into the enchanted world of aggressive alcoholism. Is this 30?
You crawled into bed with Bob and started whispering to him about produce.
Randomize
