They threw me out of the bar because I was arguing business ethics with the owner of th bar
either she doesn't know how to dress properly on a sunday morning stroll, or I just saw a 60 year old on a walk of shame
i know im back at school when i can poke any random spot on my body and expect a 80% chance that theres a bruise there
I got kicked out of a mexican restaurant last night for being too drunk. This is getting dangerously close to rock bottom
He completely dissapeared at the baseball game. We found him passed out at the hotel three hours later with souviner photos of himself at the top of the Sears Tower.
my mom went out and bought me new sheets and redecorated my room. its like she's more excited for me to get laid tomorrow for the first time in two months than I am.
Remind me not to get naked underneath a tree I'm allergic to again.
How do I enter a double puke and rally into my calorie counter?
If it wasn't for the fact that I drink during my lunch break I'm pretty sure I would have quit this job by now
Well his dad is my dentist so they've both been in my mouth.
At some point, you're going to have to talk to a tree and do what it says
We need to get Harry and Lloyd's tuxedos from Dumb and Dumber. I feel like this is a vital thing that is missing from our lives.
Dude, putting on underwear straight out of the dryer is the greatest thing ever. It feels like I wrapped my vagina in a warm blanket.
So you can text and rub it at the same time? Bravo.
I can do anything and masturbate, if I truly wanted to.
We finally gave up searching because everything had started to look like flip flops
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