I can't find my pants or my car
I didn't even hookup I think I took them off at taco bell...
ha omg I always lose my dignity at taco bell as well... so no big deal.
Handjob with gloves on results in friction burn. In case you've ever wondered
Is waterboarding an exceptable way of getting sober?
hold on, were in the kitchen painting a yellow brick road to my vagina on my leg with black light paint.
In a min. With a stripper at the hospital. Business. Not pleasure.
Can we go to Home Depot next week? Drunk Kim broke my toilet with a hammer.
I like to think of you as more a magic eight ball of my life's journey?
It's pretty fantastic. I just wanna know how your bra ended up in the aquarium the other night.
If I asked you to guess what I'm doing right now how many guesses would it take to get to really high eating an apple bumping techno
Told some guy to hold your weave while you "tried" to kick his girlfriends ass...
Oh, also as a concerning side note, my bra had drops of blood on it. So I don't know what the deal was, but someone I was around was definitely bleeding a decent amount.
I'm drunk filing my taxes in a bar on a Monday afternoon in a Regular Show onesie. I think I'm starting to get the hang of this whole adult thing.
My cat licked the coke mirror and now is giving me dirty looks. Bet money she has the drip.
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
All I did today was eat pizza and use my vibrator.
Randomize
