I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
Oh fyi, I gave your card to a homeless guy last night and told him you were the world's hottest blonde girl who only likes black men...Sorry
So how was awkward coffee with forgets-your-name?
Just woke up in a hotel next to a 38 year old mom who's married... I think Spring Break has started
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
I just opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a tube of mascara. Get on my level
And then I asked the bartender for my third shot and he told me he had to cut me off at two because this was in fact a family fun center
You just want to fuck a girl in a dinosaur costume, don't you?
We wore fake mustaches and shirts that said team mustache ride to a party we weren't even invited to
IDK. when she left she was wearing her bra like an eyepatch and offering to shiver the timbers of the dorm patrol.
No man we're leaving now. The party will probably be busted soon. O and a bitch started throwing knives around the place, like real actual knives.
I think one of your friend's offered my friend chicken tenders back at his place...just FYI he should probably come up w/ another line
well he said my boobs made him believe in love at first sight so that's cool
I think the highlight of my night is when I was eating a mayonnaise sandwich. drunk me was on point.
To the woman who just heard me unscrew my flask in the Denny's women's bathroom at 10am: discretion isn't required but greatly appreciated.
Did you at least share?
Randomize
