oh my god i am going to vomit. and little burgers wearing crowns are going to come out.
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
Can we have fireworks this year or will the ocean explode?
I just want to jump into a ballpool of dicks now.
Pissed along side the highway while waving at all the traffic... if thats not a sign of a productive night to come then idk what is
It's like a squid of pain has attached to my head and it spreading it's whorey tentacles all over.
I asked what you thought of her and you replied not the biggest I have had
Did he ask you why you were in his back yard Sunday night?
We just broke my bed mid-sex, laughed, then continued. If that isn't true love I don't know what is.
So baked. About to eat a calzone then hate fuck this guy.
THAT'S MY GIRL
I think we have it figured out.. She's my wife when she's here and gives me advise on how to get ass when she's 1500 miles away.
We are making a pool on how long he stays sober this time you want in?
I never realized the effects a broken spine would have on my sex life
I had to say goodbye to one of my fuck buddies last night. He's voting for Trump, we shouldn't be doing it anyways.
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
Randomize
