Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
maybe if you didn't yell 'buh duh duh da duh da dats all folks' when you came she wouldn't have left last night
Do you ever make guys send you dick pictures just cause it's hilarious?
So basically i got outta bed and started peeing on the a/c unit..when my roommate tried to stop me i looked at him and said "i got this"
she got pretty angry when i tried to superglue her fingers together.
Sorry for making you give strangers a ride for hits of acid.
theres a kid in a leopard robe and sunglasses filling up a gas tank. i miss college
we aren't going to have kids. there's a 50% chance that they would look like him. not worth the risk
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
I know you're on a date and I should leave you alone but about twenty minutes ago I realized I haven't been spanked in years so if you're still looking for a birthday present, you know, consider it.
We took your mom out drinking and we wound up winning 18 games of Flip Cup. You have amazing genetics.
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
I think clothing becomes optional at the second date! But you seem like a rule breaker
When campus security rolled up he stole their car and drove it like 100 feet. Then he walked up and gave back the keys because it was a hyundai.
He is 6'5, went to a Christian school and he's a violinist....I'm going to fuck the jesus right out of him.
Randomize
