If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
I though she ruined it by crying, then I realized it wasn’t a tear, it was my great aim. It turned out to be beautiful.
At the pride parade. It's not even noon and I'm drunk as shit... for equality of course
Your "OraGel will numb anything" theory was the worst thing I ever believed in.
I can't tell if they're having sex or watching the beach scene from Saving Private Ryan. All I know is I hear explosions and men screaming and crying
Bright side: maybe hell start being nice to you now that you know he has erectile dysfunction.
Made a pan flute out of the varyingly empty beer bottles on the table. Played a glorious tune that paid tribute to the winds.
Is it sad that I have better conversations with his roommate before or after sex than I do with him in general?
The acoustics in my bra are fantastic.
Pants off. Spirits lifted.
Dude he did say "let's go cougar hunting" and you KNEW your mom was going out last night...so it's kind of your own fault for not coming
I feel like he has a double life, why was he walking around at 3 am with a backpack?
In my dream, you became a famous tap-dancer. Congratulations.
The amount of drunk I'm going to get tonight will be somewhere between Jim lahey and bojack horseman
I fell out of my bed whilst trying not to move this morning. I AM ADULT
I had ice cream for breakfast two days in a row.
SUPER ADULTS
Randomize
