can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
i was so high it looked like the chipmunks movements were coordinated to that lady gaga song
I'm still with the girl from last night. remember to call me conrad and that i work for PETA
i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
My boogers are black from last night. So that's either from all the colored hairspray or inhaling all of the tragedy from the party...
he was drinking wine. Puking into an empty water bottle. And eating french toast. ....All at the same time.
I'm sorry. I know you didn't expect me to be arm deep in vagina when you walked through the door.
Hunting for men at chipotle... I feel like I should be more disappointed that this is the way my life is going but I'm really just excited for the potential.
yeah a little bit of me felt bad about it. But the rest of me was having sex with him.
I'm starting to think you fell asleep on your kitchen floor pantless with salsa spilt around you
I'm concerned that this blind man on the bus has a boner right now
I take pride in being a married 31 year old who sleeps on her best friend's bathroom floor from time to time.
Her hotness level dropped from an 8 to a 2 as soon as I walked into her place. It REEKED of cat piss and there was no litter box and NO CATS.
saw a family tailgating a graduation with hard liquor... i'm assuming yours?
are you shitting me? they told me they'd at least wait until 10am
We're like a married couple, but we only have sex on college holidays and other people's birthdays.
Randomize
