Sometimes I think my vagina thinks its a penis.
shes in my pool wearing only floaties on her arms ill have to raincheck watching march madness with you guys sorry
You kept telling the cops that our ice luge was practice for the next winter olympics
Woke up laying in the kitchen floor with a cup in one hand and the beer tap in the other. Guess I just needed that one last beer.
Parents weekend was a success.
Yeah, I guess so if you consider being arrested and having your parents bail you out a success...
Bail could have come out of your pocket so yes, I think we were financially responsible this weekend.
he fell down during beer pong and the chick told him to rub the sand out of his pussy and suck it up. i am in love
Did i mention i'm like the equivilent of a prepubescent boy suffering from preejaculacy? I just about creamed my pants when he grabbed my hand..
For the first time ever I'll be using my lunch break to pass out cold on my desk. We've gotta stop having these late night drinking things on Sundays
Jesus christ it's been two texts and we are already talking about dildos
i found you in bed eating fish fillets dipped in chocolate pudding
it's not like I want to die, I just want life to stop for a little bit. how does that work?
How is it that I, the only one that didn't drink last night, was the only one puking out the car window?
Who brings nunchucks to a funeral?
They made the paper for stealing gnomes. I fucked a local celebrity.
there are LEGIT cum stains on my ceilling. ON THE CEILLING!! you tell me how the relationship was.
Randomize
