Omg. Just talked to a semi driver from nebraska. Got her truck stuck. Gave her and her riding buddy a glass of vodka and a cig. YES.
Anthony wouldn't know good sex if it sat on his face
do you think they ever dumped Gatorade over Michael Vick's head after his dog won?
I fucked her and then she made me sleep on the floor next to her bed because she 'has a committment problem'
In a strange taxi 3059. Battery dying I'm dying. Bye.
Did u smell a guys dreadlocks in the McDonald's drive thru line last night or did I dream that?
Oh my god there's only so much masturbating one can do before one wants to fucking cry
I unknowingly motorboated my boyfriend's ex-gf last night. Yay me!
WEED IS MY SPIRIT ANIMAL
That one probably shouldn't have been in caps
Human centipede...with the teletubbies. That's what my nightmare had in it.
I don't even want to know.
You know it was a weird night when you find curly fries in your purse the next morning...
I woke up naked and only wearing cowboy boots, wrapped in a curtain that was still attached to the pole
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
so like
i may have gotten a little bit of blood in the charging port of my phone
Randomize