When my kids ask how I lost my virginity Im going to have to tell them of a mythical thing called "Myspace" and how strangers could lure you into their "den of love" thanks to clever quotes and graphics
After me and my boyfriend broke up I had to resist the temptation to send a mass text to my booty calls saying "thank you for your patience. it will be rewarded."
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
So my game is weak??
If your game is "Lets have sex, and maybe pizza" then yes.
I just gave some chick my debit card to put in the jukebox. She better put out.
She somehow inhaled a tack last night, she's having surgery today.
Life Lesson #1 of 2013: double-fisting shower beers and shaving my bikini line should be reserved for two different showers.
Ew. He is mine. We all know that if he has a mid-life crisis and decides to sleep with a student, I AM THAT STUDENT. She's not friends with him on FB. Reassuring.
I miss forts and drugs that made me believe in unicorns...
Does she know she is talking to people who slam shots of fireball and chase it with vodka?
The waitress at the Denny's in usa remembered me from 2 years ago when we went at 4 in the morning plastered, wearing overalls and huge inflatable corona hats on our heads
Your life is a soap opera of great sex, cats, and booze.
He had a tattoo of a crown above his penis. He was AMAZING! It was well deserved. LONG LIVE THE KING!
Just made my first drink, took 2 sips feel like god
It’s the universal cock block of this decade
FUCK THE COCKBLOCK 19
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