i woke up to her playing with my penis. just wiggling it around and around. awkward night? i would say so.
I wish Michael J Fox could read me bedtime stories
He could rock you to sleep
Goddamn it, are you fucking her sister?
did you know it's going to storm tonight?
You bitch. At least tell Laura she's a better kisser.
Did he make you just lay your head next to his cock and talk to it again?
i've never seen someone face fit so perfectly in a toilet bowl
I can't figure out how to get this beer bong in my carry on without airport security questioning me as it goes through the x-ray.
Just had such a rough shit, don't stop believin had to be played
Oh my god. That was the best half-hour of my life that didn't involve genitals.
Sloppy and selfish. Your 27 and you don't know where my clit is? BYEEE
Watching a bear prancing around in a tiara is worth a loss of bar time.
moral of my life: don't tell a guy you want to have sex with him. he'll get back together with his ex.
The cup holder in my recliner holds a whole bottle of wine. That's definitely a sign.
Remind me to tell you: When threeways go awry, my MLK weekend story.
Ate a slug for 39 dollars
I wouldn't expect anything less from a PhD student
I accidentally just texted my dad asking if he wants to do shrooms with me. Do I leave the city now or...
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