Skipping work because i'm still too drunk from last night still. got home at midnight and passed out in front of my door for 2 hours bc i couldn't find my key
had to call my rooommate to let us in. Passed out in my dress and found the key on my hair tie-in my hair- just now.
My boss' voice literally gives me gas
the day after is always just damage control
The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
I didn't know it was possible to make picking up dog shit look sexy.
She did the bend and snap...
Have you been tested recently?
Well I got my shots when I was a baby so I think I'm immune
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
guy just got out of the car at the drive in and told his girlfriend "fuck you and your taco" and walked off
I filled this oven with as much Pizza as I could, and I've been eating out of it for three days.
Just ate the last piece. Refilling the oven.
You had the nerve to crowd surf to your own bedroom.. I guess watching Aladdin high was probably the best idea ever
They flooded the bathroom and their version of cleaning it up was to throw our couch cushions on it. That's when I decided to chug tequila and go drunk bowling. So hitting the kid with my ball is really their fault.
My genitals don't want beer. They want to not feel like they wandered into a hornet's nest.
Right when he asked me if I was on birth control my dad walked in. This is my fate.
Like, when both of your dads are drag queens you're bound to have some amazing Halloween makeup
Thrres cinnamon everywgte. Plead cine get me
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