OH MY GOD! I just remembered how we ended our bar time last night: picking up and drinking random drinks that ppl had left. wtf is wrong with us?! that's so ghetto!
No. You're kidding.
I am not. I wish I were. I speak the truth.
i either just vomited on a lesbian or a small boy
I am going to be in the room whjen you have your first child and spit on its face before its even all the way out of you.
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
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he was gone before i woke up. left a pee stain, phone number, note and $20 for sheets. safe to say i will not be calling.
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
is there a way to sugar-coat "shes in jail" when someone is texting me asking where their friend is?
It's a good cause. For your vagina.
I got you a "sorry you think I'm pregnant" present
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With a butt like mine I'll never have to pay for Netflix again.
I woke up on my girls floor with a pound of muenster cheese in my shirt pocket
I'm definitely not going to be able to fuck him high. I won't be able to not laugh at his man boobs
Just responding to the most professional request I've ever gotten to get shitfaced.
If my emotions are below a 3 or above a 7, I'm crying
I just dominated some guy while wearing your moms thong