Well I'm going to a gay club in my banana suit. You should come. My bro is going as a pirate. I don't know if there's a theme.
Last night I apparently send my boss a picutre of my boobs. On the bonus part I got a raise today. So I just want to thank your parents for naming you Jeff cuz if I was not so hammered last night I would have sent it to the right one.
No, we're smoking outside. We're hot boxing the world.
i hate when u poo a lot and when u wipe theres no poopy residue on the TP. it makes me feel like my butt hole is hiding something from me. just had 2tell sum1.
You know how you thought that you put on a condom last weel?
turns out that you did...and i just found it.
The hospital said it would be 'irresponsible' for them to allow people to book stomach pumps.
you sat in the middle of your kitchen floor feeding your dog blueberries one by one
did i paint my nails blue or do i need to make a trip to the ER?
Well it was 11am and we were walking to the market with red cups in our hands yelling NO JUDGEMENT at every car that passed
I'll be listening to "I will always love you" and sobbing uncontrollably all night, care to join?
they need to invent a card that reads "thanks for all those boners you gave me that you did NOTHING about"
....I feel like you are deciding whether or not I'm good enough for you based on what I ordered from Chipotle.
I'm on my way back with the wine... And a puppy. It was free.
I just found a To Do list on the table, written by me last night, that just says "1. Go downstairs. 2. Get Pickles. 3. Laptop"
ANNA YOU PEED ON THE STREET. LIKE NOT EVEN SUBTLY. YA JUST SQUATTED IN THE MIDDLE OF THE HIGHWAY. And you flashed your tits to oncoming vehicles to try to get them to pick us up