wrigley field is MILF paradise
Oh my god he is having a sentimental moment right now.
He just sent me like a really heartfelt confession of love in which he ended with "make the apt, I'll hold your hand while you get your clit pierced."
life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
giving a blow job on a jetski isn't as easy as it sounds.
19 Characteristics That Make People Instantly Attractive
You were so drunk that some guy dressed as Harry Potter pointed his wand at you and screamed "Accio SHITSHOW"
okay im going to go eat, shower and find underwear... call if you want.... but ill be listenig to glee VERY loudly.
YOU ARE TAKING ADVANTAGE OF MY INEBRIATED STATE
YOU ARE DRUNK AND USED AND SPELLED THE WORD "INEBRIATED" CORRECTLY. I AM TAKING ADVANTAGE OF NOTHING.
I CAN'T HELP THAT I'M MULTITALENTED YA FUCKER
How was it playing wingman?
I feel like I was rockys coach watching him get the shit beaten out of him by Apollo creed
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
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Just walked in on him banging another girl. He told me " sorry but I'm gonna finish now that I'm caught" ...... I think this is the reason god gave me four older brothers....
Sorry I got completely naked in your bed, but I feel our friendship has grown because of it.
Seriously I'm dying. All my insides are fighting their way out of me. With light sabers and machetes.
I'm mailing you cans of corn and that's final.
My mother is even happier about me having a sugar daddy than I am
He Dutch ovened me while I was hiding under the covers from his mom. Needless to say it did not end well.