i just identified you from a description of your pipe
She just dipped a dollar bill in her queso dip and almost ate it before I slapped it out of her hand, no more bar crawls..
I'm home with mono, wearing knee high socks, shorts, a stained old shirt, and a surgical mask. He comes over ANYWAY with soup, a gas mask, billions of DVDs, and eats me out. He's either stupid, whipped, or i'm just THAT good.
you drew a penis with ranch dressing. tried to take a picture of it and dropped your phone in it. Then made moaning sounds while you licked it off.
Dating After Heartbreak
Something smells like weed and I think it might be my mascara. Come sniff my eyes
Sometimes I wonder how different my life would be if I didn't share a weekly margarita with my mom since i was 12
You just begged me to mute the porn and watch her ass bounce while listening to dubstep the whole time.
he left his wallet here so lets treat ourselves to a lunch for the lack of penis we both had deal with
She tried to kill herself by taking a whole packet of panadol. I mean HELLO THAT'S ME EVERY SUNDAY MORNING.
These Images Prove Chrissy Teigen is the Funniest Model Alive
It was about the point the universe collapsed in on itself and I was a singularity of insanity that I realized I was tripping balls.
His penis contains the glue that keeps this relationship together.
If I had 3 wishes one would for sure be a designated driver for life that gives hand jobs.
You can either drink his whiskey or be a bitch. Doing both is just mean.
Officially the best daughter ever. I just restocked my parents alcohol that I stole last night AND ADDED TO IT
Just beer bonged through a snorkel, add that to the list