I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
i just had to google what happens if your dog eats your nuva ring
On your way out, lock the front door. And by lock the front door, I mean find the door handle, reattach it, and then lock it.
The only bad thing about this relationship... my forearm strength is dwindling
I'm genuinely dissapointed that we didn't make any fat chicks cry
it wasn't sex so much as.....a disastrously uncomfortable sexual experience
We went to IKEA super baked wearing fake mustaches. You?
This ER has an aquarium in it!!!
This day sucks. I just wanna play ostrich and bury my head in your boobs.
my head feels like a yellow yolk spinning in a circle at the bottom of the bowl.. i may have a concussion, love auto correct
When you put my balls in your mouth i just want to buy you expensive gifts...you know what i mean?
Its a cash in stratch tickets to afford cigarettes and coffee kind of friday
I think when Jesus turned water into wine it was a sign that we should get drunk off Sangria tonight. Do it for Jesus. He died for your sins.
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
That man fucks like a champ. The sex was so good I did him again in the morning just to be sure
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