Have you ever been so weak from sleep you couldn't push your poo out?
Woke up on the floor with my glow stick in one hand & dollar bills in the other. Good. Morning.
It got a little outta hand when you wanted to do body shots on the table.. at Dennys.. at 4 AM.. with lemonade
Where was your thought process?
Drowning in my hangover.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
While looking for an apartment, I've realized that the way I rate balconies is on the "how easy would it be to smoke weed here" scale.
What other scale is there?
I said you have to fuck the german guy and take one for the team...it's a once in a lifetime opportunity you know.
When she sees your dick for the first time, tell her it glows blue when orcs are close
Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night.
20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun
No Bryan wants to get drunk, rub inappropriate dudes legs, talk about my vagina and send me pics of his boomerang dick. That's not how you watch basketball.
That's how he does EVERYTHING!
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The crowd is chanting "we want sex!" There's a man dressed as bacon. That is all
Woke up eating a pickle on the bathroom floor this morning in some random guys sweat pants.
You would think by the size of the lump on my ass that I would have remembered falling down a flight of stairs.
If dispatch calls for us tell them I'm having a significant emotional event in the restroom
I got a message the other day that just said “great tits”
A gentleman AND a scholar
i was watching the elves fighting on my knees while waiting for the shrooms to kick in then i realized
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