next time dont tell jokes :) miss bonerkill
your address is 607B right?
yeah why?
i need to tell the guy bringing over the flaming bag of dog shit where to put it
he's sitting on top of the fridge in only a black speedo and wont get down
She is sleeping in a dress because she's too drunk to put "real clothes" on
Bars not open yet, I feel like a desperate alcoholic wandering around outside.
I ended up staying at a police station for being a witness in a public masturbation case..NOW do you believe me that I've never had a good St. Patrick's Day?
Put cigar in mouth backwards. Plz remind to check for scar in morning, can't feel it now. Screwdrivers are like morphine.
Hi Jessica this is Jessica and I am texting you and were taking lime shots and it's fantastic and I broke your elbow and I love you xo
Apparently I've been blackout drunk doing abstract algebra on the floor
If I had to summarise my weekend I would do so using the words "horrifying romanian moonshine"
First night sober since New Years. I'm not sure what hurts more, the hangover or the credit dread when I find out what the tickets to Bali actually cost.
But on the plus side, what he lacked in size he made up for with speed. And grunting.
The cop asked me why my pants were around my knees when he woke me from the sink, i replied "Officer, my underwear is still on, nothing bad happened" then he nodded in acknowledgement and we carried on with the paper work.
It smells like graded cheese and febreze in the family room what the hell have you been up to???
Just realized that I indirectly pay for sex through my cable bill
Wow. He is an expensive lay
I still have to figure out the cost per lay. It could be a financially sound investment
Randomize
