Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
it was a mass text i'm sorry
do you usually send 'hey sexy' as a mass text?
Your favorite bartender is back from prision
I don't even know how sober sex starts anymore
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this kid just offered me adderall in exchange for my meal points. college at its finest
Drunk me needs to be reminded of my sexual preferences.
at least it wasnt animals
Drunk at ten am watching Californication re runs. Being divorced rules.
You're telling me you've never sent a picture of your cock to a girl and then were all like "Oops, sorry, wrong person! By the way...You like?"
She carried my bag of puke down the aisle and the flight attendant wouldn't move the beverage cart so she put the puke bag in the flight attendant's face and said "I have a bag of sickness!" I've never seen a cart move that fast.
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How many other adults do you think have slept naked under the Winnie the Pooh blanket sober?
The hardest part about being a child of divorce is when you're at your dad's house but your condoms are at your mom's house.
STOP GETTING GIRLS PREGNANT IN MY BED.
After walking ten blocks barefoot in Boston I've concluded drunk me needs to make better decisions.
I woke up at 2 AM to find them in my living room with a radio flyer wagon full of milk glass plates and a Holstein cow. How am I going to explain this to my landlord!?!
Never. No amount of alcohol could convince my brain and eye sight that it is okay to fuck him. I'd rather fuck my cousin.
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